Stop Sabotaging Myself

April 8th, 2010

Okay, I admit it… I’m scared of success.

I want the riches and fame, without all of that hard work, and when it is convenient to me.

I never want to be uncomfortable.

Yeah, I’m realizing that this ain’t reality.

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson points out very well that the Earth is not some great haven of life… that the universe is trying to kill us, every opportunity it gets.

I mean, 98% of of the species that existed are now extinct. Every hundred million years or so, a giant rock hits our planet, burning all of the forests overnight and plunging the surface into darkness. Even us humans, with our huge brains, tools, and opposable thumbs aren’t safe… Put the average person out in the wilderness naked, and chances are they’ll be dead in a few hours, much less survive the week. (Even Bear Grills never goes out alone and often sleeps in hotels, and Les Stroud takes tools, does intensive surveys, and makes certain he’s well prepared before spending a week in the wild.)

To just survive, we need only to find a hole to climb in, a source of food, and a source of water… and it would be quite comfortable, if not boring. To really thrive, though, we need to push past our comfort. I mean, be really willing to get really uncomfortable, and possibly even fail.

Except… if we’re willing to put up with more discomfort than anyone else, we can’t fail… because failure only comes from giving up.

Backing Up

Okay, re-reading that first part, I’m going to have to define some terms.

Mainly, what is success?

Well, success is whatever we define it to be. Nobody else can say what our personal success is.

So, let me sit and think for a moment. This is an exercise I should have done a long time ago.

What is success? What do I want to do in life?

Well, I’ve had 3 goals before… Be a teacher, be a business owner, and contribute to an object that goes into space.

I’ve been a teacher, so let me mark a big bold line through that one. I’ll still continue to teach, where I can, because I love the learning involved, but I won’t do it formally any more.

A business owner… Interesting… What would the business be?

And contributing to an object that goes into space. Boy, I hope I don’t do that posthumously, by settling on writing in my will to have some of my ashes sent to space.

So… those are my two life-long goals.

I think it’s time to start working on them.

Now, to define success. (I can only fail if I stop trying, so failure isn’t an option.)

Success, to me, is to meet my two goals in specific ways. Namely, contribute something useful to an object that goes into space. Since my specialization is in software development, I can write a program. Perhaps an auto-navigation algorithm. This way, ground control can set up best-case-scenario way-points, launch the probe, and the probe will do its best to hit those targets on time, at speed, and as accurately as possible, without ground control needing to send engine thrust sequences that are time consuming to calculate, and potentially crippling to the probe, due to the time it takes for the signals to reach, and the possibility of the probe not receiving a key part of the signal.

That’s just an example, though. I don’t have to write a program to steer spaceships, I could create a science instrument, or even just do the welding on the probe’s frame.

Why space? Well, like I said above, with the help of Neil deGrasse Tyson… the universe is trying to kill us. The more planets we can populate, the longer our species can survive.

For my second goal, to create a business:

The goal here is to make it successful, but not just somewhat so… To make it a positive influence in the world, and to keep my family life intact as well.

I know, many business experts believe that these goals are mutually exclusive. After all, a successful business is one which serves itself first, creating the most profit possible. And, to start a successful business, you have to put the rest of your life on hold for several years.

I’m not one to say that experts are wrong, nor do I have an ego to think that I’m so different from everyone else that I can go against the experts.

However, I have three things that most people don’t have. Business owners have the first two in spades, but the third is more rare still:

  1. Patience
  2. Willingness to get uncomfortable
  3. Low start-up costs.

In fact, I have no start-up costs, until I’m ready to sell a product.

Now, that doesn’t mean that if I created a product tomorrow, that I’d be able to sell it the next day… I still need to advertise and create a customer base first, but I already have all of the physical equipment I need, and all of the knowledge required.

What type of product will I sell?

Why, software, of course.

Very specific software.

Things like time management, and data organization.

Some will be marketed toward creative individuals. Some will be marketed toward small business.

Yes, I have prototypes of these programs already. No, I won’t go into details yet.

How will this make the world a better place? Well, it won’t, directly. However, donating a good chunk of my sales to a specific meta-charity will go a long ways.

How will I keep my family life intact? Reserving time in the day to spend with my wife; reserving a day to spend extensive time with her. Reserving other time to keep the household in order.

I’m patient… I’m in a place, financially, where I can work on these projects slowly, and these projects wouldn’t benefit from being released early. I’m also willing to get uncomfortable; to spend time on these projects, when I would rather be playing games or doing something else. These are both required for any business to be successful, but with no start-up costs and very low maintenance costs, it doesn’t matter if I could make a living at this right away… I’ll consider the business successful when I can start hiring employees and start having a need for a physical location, when I can pay for all of that, and live off of my own salary, while maintaining good donations to a certain meta-charity.

Lofty goals… Hard to reach… but then, others have gone before me, and the only way I can fail is if I stop trying.

Busy

April 7th, 2010

No, I haven’t been ignoring this blog, letting it slide, or any of that.

I’ve just been busy with work.

I have had only one day off since March 12th, and that day was filled with many other activities.

I’m not complaining. These past few weeks have been a happy, hectic blur.

I was moved to a new team… They had just promoted their manager up a level, and promoted someone in the team into the manager position… plus gotten rid of the dead weight. For a company with only around 100 people total, moving 5 people around so suddenly had impacts throughout.

I was the underdog with high potential.

So far, though, I’ve impressed the higher-ups, by finding a way to save time and shave out steps in the reports they’re making. I wrote a script that parses out important data and prepares it to be copied straight over to the spreadsheets we use.

Bad habits have gotten in my way a couple of times, but I’m determined to push through them.

So, I know, short update… but here’s to me catching my breath and being able to look back and feel good about the past month.

Procrastination, My Old Friend

March 25th, 2010

So, I did it again.

I slipped back into my old habits of procrastination.

And when I procrastinate, it takes a mighty jolt to wake me up, and get me moving forward again.

It isn’t fun… While I’m procrastinating, I feel terrible, because the problem is nagging at the back of my mind… I used to be really good at just suppressing that nagging guilt, but I guess I’m improving, overall, because I feel terrible.

The problem is that when I procrastinate, it doesn’t just effect that one thing… I completely lose all motivation for most aspects of my life, except to find temporary, non-fulfilling distractions, like read online comics. I almost never return to do that original thing.

I don’t even remember what my main distraction was yesterday or the day before was. I can remember clearly the things that I was supposed to do, though.

Bah, it feels so good to be on top of the game, to have people who can depend and rely on you, and who recognize your contributions.

It feels so bad to lose all of that.

Anyways, I recognize my problem… I recognize how easy it is to think, “I’ll get it in 10 minutes…” Those ten minutes turn into an hour, then two hours, then a whole day… sometimes even weeks or months.

I used to think that, when I procrastinate, that I completely forget about that task… I suppose it was only suppressing the feeling of guilt, but now that I have proven to myself that I can succeed, and people have actually depended on me, the guilt is so much stronger… I wasn’t forgetting the task, I was just not putting any emotions into it. I’m wonderful at repressing emotions, I’ve done it since I was 10. I suppose I could go all Freudian and blame it on my step-mom, but I don’t want to. I want to deal with this myself…

I have reached a point in my life where I finally want to experience the full range of emotions, rather than just ignore them as I’ve done for so many years.

Bust most of all, I need to develop a system that can’t be procrastinated, to remind myself to stop procrastinating.

I get on my computer every day that I work… and I have a routine for when I get off the computer each night… Perhaps make a check list, and leave it on my keyboard.

It’s so hard to stop being pessimistic, when this is a problem I’ve been struggling with my entire life.

Space, Time, Strings

March 21st, 2010

Newton teaches us that objects are attracted to other objects, and more importantly, that those attractions can be measured and predicted.

Einstein teaches us that space and time are the same thing, that the reason why objects attract each other, is because these objects bend space.

Heisenberg and Schrödinger teach that, sometimes, it’s more important to know what is probable, not just what is, and the very ability to act within an environment has far greater reaching consequences than imaginable.

Hawking teaches that we don’t even have to stand up to understand the universe.

And my personal hero, Sagan, teaches that it isn’t enough to know something to be able to teach others, but you have to be excited as well, and that excitement will spread that knowledge and understanding.

Some Big Thoughts on Little Things

I’m excited about the universe… the entire cosmos, and our parallel cosmos, and the cosmos found when traveling through another spacial dimension.

Yet, I’m lacking some understanding.

What is space?

Space is something. Yet, space is the… space between things. We can change the density of space, displacing it with a lot of matter… This bending of space creates gravity; where space is more dense than in surrounding areas, that is where we (as matter) are drawn. We can drag space along with us, twisting it around in an effect called “Frame Dragging.” We’ve observed this with satellites, which seem to creep more East in their orbits than they should be… even satellites completely outside of the atmosphere, and the effect is more pronounced the closer to the Earth the satellites are… We know that it isn’t the atmosphere slowing the satellites down, because air resistance would bring them closer in their orbits, but the altitude of their orbits remain unchanged.

It is space itself which defines an area… One cubic inch of space contains the same amount of space, no matter how “dense” that space is (density being measured by gravity.) Yes, objects within the space would be pushed together more densely, the more gravity there is, but the amount of space in a cubic inch just doesn’t change.

So space is nothing… that is gravity… that is moved by matter… that is moved by energy… that changes density without becoming more or less dense.

Space is an empty something, and a filled nothing.

Time Again

Space becomes dense… without its density changing. It moves, yet by definition, we are what moves inside of it.

So what gives? Something seems broken here.

Einstein blamed it all on Time. When Space is bent, Time is what pays the price, what gets changed.

We all know the speed of time… one second per second. Yet, we live in a place ruled by time as equally powerfully as it is ruled by space.

As space gets denser (and we can’t see this density, since we’re in space, and all of our measurement tools are space based, including our eyes, which use light, which always travels at a constant speed through space) time slows down.

Yet, we can’t measure this directly. We can’t just send a clock into a gravity void and watch it tick away quickly, since for that clock, one second still lasts a whole second. We can, however, send a clock up, let it tick away for a while, then compare it with a clock that has been on the Earth for a while. (We have done this; the clock sent to outer space did indeed have a later time on it than the duplicate clock that stayed on Earth, when it was brought back.)

So, time isn’t a constant… Neither is space. When space is dense, so is time.

Okay, fine. That describes what space does. It still doesn’t say what it is.

Down to the Small

Let’s back off for a minute, and look at the world of the very small; of chances and split personalities.

So far, we think of light as a particle. We shoot it out of a light bulb, and it travels in straight lines. It bounces off of surfaces like a ball bounces off of a wall, and it is effected by gravity (though you’d need a very dense part of space to see this directly, such as around stars and black holes).

Well, keep that in the back of your mind for a bit, but don’t dwell on it.

Imagine that you have a long rectangular pan, half full of water. On one side, you have a motor that can cause regular ripples in the water. When you turn the motor on, those ripples travel out across the pan, bouncing on the sides and the far end in a fairly regular, predictable pattern.

Now, put a wall of sorts in the middle of the pan, with a 1 inch vertical slit in the middle for the water to get through. When you turn the motor back on, you notice that the waves spread out from the machine, and as the waves hit the slit, they travel away on the other side in all directions at the same speed… You have two half-circles of waves now, one at the end of the pan with the machine, and another at the middle of the pan on the other end of the slit.

Next, cut another slit in the wall and turn on the motor on. As the waves hit the two slits, they each create their own half-circles of waves… When a low point of a wave hits the low point of another wave, that point is doubly-deep, and when the peaks of two waves meet, those points are doubly-high. This is called an interference pattern. Wait for the waves to spread across the entire pan, and take a mental picture of the end of the pan, opposite of the machine. You’ll see a line of alternating bands of wave heights… from doubly low where the dips are meeting, to doubly high where the peaks are meeting, up and down and up and down, all along the far wall of the pan. This is called an interference pattern… keep it in mind.

Now, let’s move this thought experiment out of water, and into light. (If you have a laser, you can do this in real life… I did.)

Shine a laser beam at a wall… It makes a dot, correct? All of the photons are traveling in a straight line, like bullets fired from a rifle. (Bullets that are so fast, and so lightweight, that we can’t notice the effects of gravity)

Now, take a piece of paper, and cut a vertical slit in it… a skinny slit, just enough for a little bit of the laser beam to get through. Shine the laser at the wall, through the slit…

And not much changes.

The light is still going in straight lines. Yes, there is a little bit of bouncing around, the light is a little more spread out, but that is because paper isn’t perfect; some light still passes through the paper itself, and no matter how precisely you make the cut, the laser is still going to find stray edges to bounce around off of.

Now… carefully cut a second slit in the paper, very close to the first slit. Make sure that the slits are close enough so that they are both hit by the laser beam at the same time.

The results?

Well, what do you think? Light is a particle, right? Like little tiny bullets that always travels in straight lines, right?

Here’s what happens… You’ll see band of dark and light and dark and light and dark and light stretching across the wall. When you rotate the paper, these bands rotate too, but not when you rotate the laser.

Now, where did we see bands of high intensity and low intensity before?

That’s right, our interference pattern in the pan of water.

But we were observing waves of water conducting wave-energy through the slits, not what happens when we squirt water through the slits… Light is particles, right? Always?

Not really, kinda-sorta, maybe.

It’s still the same light. Shine the laser at the wall, and you see the single beam again. Shine it through one slit, and you see the same beam… but shine it through two slits at once, and the light stops acting like particles, and starts acting like waves.

And that’s the experiment that sparked off quantum physics. Why is light sometimes a particle and sometimes a wave? What if we only sent one single photon through the slits at a time? (They found that the single photon would travel through both slits at the same time.) What other particles behave like this? (Electrons and quarks; (quarks are the most elementary building blocks of protons and neutrons that we can observe. In other words, all of the small parts of an atom.)) What does this mean about the nature of the universe?

Strings

I hate the term “String Theory.”

But, while smashing atoms to figure out what they’re made of (kind of like throwing two watches at each other, and examining how the parts fly away, to discover the sizes of the gears and how they’re arranged), scientists recorded some strange data. While examining that data in hopes of finding a new particle that they could name after their dog or girlfriend or parakeet, some scientists noticed that some of the particles seem to be bound to each other… They could get close… very close… but they couldn’t get too far from their paired particle. It was as is those particles were tied together with some cosmic string.

Well, that didn’t fly over well; the other scientists laughed.

So, they used these strings to explain the weak nuclear force… the strongest known force in the universe, that also happens to have the shortest range.

Again, the other scientists laughed.

So, they added 2 spacial dimensions to the universe, and used the strings to explain the strong nuclear force, what binds protons and neutrons in the nucleus of an atom.

Again, the other scientists laughed.

So, they added 2 more spacial dimensions to the universe, and use the strings to explain magnetism.

That convinced some of the scientists… the rest chuckled nervously.

Then, realizing that they were on to something, they added 2 more dimensions and used the strings to explain gravity, in the process unlocking the secrets of time before the big bang.

Most of the scientists looked up, did a double-take, reviewed the math, and realized that it was time to take strings seriously… because the string theories had done two things that had eluded everyone since Einstein; they had explained all four known forces (strong and weak nuclear, magnetic, and gravity) using the same theory, AND had explained how the big bang started.

HOWEVER

String Theory can not be tested… There are no experiments to run that can verify whether string theory is accurate or not…

So, instead, it should really be named String Hypothesis… but that doesn’t roll off the tongue quite as well.

Still… 11 spacial dimensions, a mirror cosmos that looks exactly the same as ours, but just happens to be on the “other side” of an 11 dimension super-cosmic membrane larger than all of our individual cosmos… countless alternate realities… Quite an ambitious and far-fetched hypothesis, but much of the physics community says the math checks out, despite all of its mind bending oddities… They might be on to something.

But I still want to know what space is.

A Day in the Life

March 20th, 2010

My typical day isn’t quite so typical.

No commute to work.

No alarm clock, except on the weekends.

And yet, my days are quite typical.

I eat meals, take a shower, drink coffee, and run to the store on occasion.

Here’s a look at my day yesterday:

Wake up… whenever. Probably around 10am. As long as it wasn’t past noon, I was good. Considering that I went to sleep at 2am, I can say that I got the rest I needed.

It was payday… I’ve been looking forward to payday for a week now, since I realized that not all of the checks I had written had cleared the bank, and if I spent anything extra I would overdraw. Fortunately, I didn’t overdraw. Well, most of the credit goes to my wife, who is the one who realized the checks hadn’t cleared. I resolved when I woke up that I would set money aside in savings, but before I had a chance, my wife had already put money aside. She put more aside than I would have, but now I’m resolved to meet her unspoken challenge: to live on less than I think we can live on for the next 2 weeks, despite not needing to.

The first thing I did, besides get ready for the day, was to head to the local video game store with my wife, where I picked up Final Fantasy XIII. I’ve been a fan of the franchise since the first game came out, and have played most of the games. Then, on to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for meals, and back home we went.

After about 45 minutes of playing FFXIII, I got ready for work, which consisted of me checking my computer to make sure it was on, connected to the internet, and didn’t need to be rebooted. I sent an IM to my manager to let her know I was starting my shift, and I started checking the sites I’m responsible for. I ran out of things to check within 15 minutes, so I started working on a programming project I had planned, a small script to make organizing data much more efficient. At the top of each hour, I spent 5 to 15 minutes checking the sites, then would go back to programming.

In 4 hours (including distractions), I had written a 180 line script that would save myself about 30 minutes a day at the end of each of my shifts. A little bit of tweaking, and a new web server later, and I showed it off to my manager, who was more than mildly impressed. She wants to show it off to the other team managers and the higher-ups, so I’ll be getting a bit more recognition within the company.

Well, by the end of the day, I finished up my daily reports in record time, thanks to my new script, and I hurried to bed, because I had to work the early shift today.

The Point?

So, what was the point of me retelling my day, yesterday?

Yeah, I don’t have a point. It was an experience to share, an insight into someone else’s daily habits. I didn’t clean any dishes or do any laundry; I distracted myself with programming instead. I enjoyed everything I did, even when running against a bug that ate a whole hour out of my 4 hour development time, and seemed to defy all logic. (Of course, it was my logic that was faulty… the script did exactly what I told it to, even if that wasn’t what I had meant.)

I suppose, if I had to make it into a lesson… it’s that yesterday wasn’t special, yet it was still enjoyable.

But there really isn’t a lesson to be had here.

Hello world!

March 20th, 2010

Back to blogging.

That’s right, this is the same me, who wrote a blog here a couple of years ago.

All of those posts are gone.  Perhaps, if I scrounged around enough, I could bring them back.

But, no.  I’ll keep them gone.  They’re from a different time, a different me.  A time when I was so obsessed with finding peace, that I really didn’t have any.

Last Lesson in “Finding” Peace

Peace is not outside of you, nor is it inside of you.

Peace can not be bought, borrowed, bartered, or sold.

Peace can not be fought for, nor gained through pacifism, nor does it come from indifference.

And yet, you can experience peace at any time.

Peace can be experienced while working hard or meditating quietly.

Peace can be experienced while shopping, spending time with friends, debating with neighbors, or at your job.

Peace can be experienced in the field of battle, in the home, or anywhere you find yourself.

Peace is not an object to be had, to be kept, to be found or lost… It is not a thought or an idea… Peace is simply an experience, one of many… one that brings pleasure and joy, and is helped along through pleasure and joy.

And there is the key… We can search for objects and find them. We can think, and hold ideas in our minds. The only way to experience something is to experience it. We can’t find peace, because it isn’t an object… We can’t hold peace in our minds, because it isn’t an idea.

So, when you want to be at peace, all you have to do is be at peace.

And no amount of advice can change that.

Epilogue

Well, this is all fine and dandy… Now that I’ve found the “secret” of peace… and shared it with all the world… what now?

I suppose I’ll go chop some wood and carry some water.

In fact, I would enjoy doing some work around the house. There are weeds to knock down, a car door to repair, and dishes to be cleaned.

As for this site, I’ll start updating it again. No more lessons… no more of me telling everyone what I think they should do. The world is bigger today than it was yesterday, and it will be larger again tomorrow… (Yes, literally. Space dust and meteorites fall to the Earth constantly, so the world is always growing.) There are new things to explore in this world, and I’m excited about it all!

I suppose that I should clarify… I’m not always at peace. I experience peace when I want to, but that isn’t my only, constant experience, nor do I want it to be. I have moved to a point where I want to experience many things, to not be stagnant. I am a nerd who enjoys learning a made up language, writing computer programs, reading science fiction, and contemplating the relationship between particles and gravity. I have two hamsters, four cats, a dog, and a wife whom I love with all of my being. I have a job moderating many different web sites, which I enjoy, and which I have recently started to truly love, because I’m in a position to help people I work with in drastic ways; because I can make a real difference.

I still have financial issues, mostly due to poor planning or lack of impulse control, but far less frequently than before, and it only becomes a problem when I just don’t double check when I know I should. I still have motivation issues, but I’m learning that motivation is just an emotion, which comes and goes like all emotions, and that I can be dedicated without needing to be motivated.

In other words, I’m not perfect… I’m not a guru… I’m not trying for “success.” I’m just a guy who realized that I need to stop wanting to do things, and just do them, and I’m happy because of it.

So here’s my blog… about me doing things. Sit back and enjoy.